I’m Still Standin’

After all this time

Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.

Not really. I am obsessing about the last 10 years, and how I have been a dumb ass when it comes to love.

Ten years. Ten years of burying my head in the sand – of convincing myself that the little things mattered, and that they were proof that I was loved by this man.

How he would clean the catboxes after arthritis/bad back started complaining that they were NOT going to cooperate with this sort of activity.

How he would get up – even after an hours sleep to brew the first pot of coffee, and then bring me my first cup. Because he knew my hands would rebel at picking up and holding the pot – I was so afraid of breaking the carafe.

How he would load/unload the dishwasher (or do the dishes, when we didn’t have one) because he knew I hated it.

Same with going to the laundry mat when we didn’t have washer/dryer in whatever unit….

Yes. All of these were thoughtful, and all of these were wonderful. However.

However – when he skipped out on a days work while we were in MA and had the home renovation business , leaving me to field the calls and even knocks on the door asking where he was – because the entire side of the house was gone and only covered in plastic –

when he would disappear for a day or two or three – once while I was sick with what turned out to be pneumonia and had asked for cough syrup to be picked up (only one car in this household.)

When my facebook would fill with ads for single women in the Austin area – and I would know that he had been perusing… thinking… hell. maybe even doing.

STILL. Me – the fool. I know that there is a good person deep under somewhere. THAT is the person I fell in love with – the one I stuck to for so many years. Almost 11 to be exact.

I should have known right away, when after just 5 months of him living with me, getting a call from a “friend” letting me know that I was going to be evicted the very next day, if I didn’t do something.

When I got back to my apartment (after leaving work early) – he immediately headed to the bedroom to pack. I asked what the hell he was doing. His reply? “You are going to tell me to leave, so I thought I would start…” My answer was “ Do you love me? REALLY love me?”

He said that he did, so I asked “What are we going to do now? How are we going to fix this?”

That was when he suggested we move to MA. We may be able to get people to help with loans to get us into another place in CO – but that wasn’t guaranteed, and time was short. In MA, we could stay with his parents for a few months, build up a bit of a cushion, and then start fresh!

I was scared, but I have to admit that there was some excitement too. New area of the country – one that I was promised was lower cost of living (NOT SO MUCH GUYS – just sharing that.) with opportunity – and a bail out. All it really required, was losing everything I had with the exception of a single box of books, and my clothes. (I drove a 1998 Metro at the time – and there wasn’t a lot of room for ANYthing).

So.

I am STILL standing. After all this time. I am picking up the pieces of my life though my husband is very prominently on my mind. I am heartbroken that he doesn’t love himself enough – or ME enough to work to make a life that works for us together. This too, shall pass. For now however, I shall have to drink a glass or three of wine, and remember that I – and my thoughts and actions DO matter. For me more than anyone else.

I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah. I am. Barely.

I let myself, and my life be dragged out of shape by a man that (retrospectively) didn’t LOVE me – but loved what I represented. Stability. Security. Money set aside for larger bills…

EXCEPT.

Yeah. Except, the money set aside was spent The security was not there. The stability was not there. BECAUSE – the money was spent when it WAS NOT THERE.

Trufax people. I would have liked to celebrate my FIVE YEARS with my company – but couldn’t -because I can’t afford it, and didn’t have a way home. >.< I would STILL like to celebrate this achievement, but again, no money, no ride. (This too will change – and I may try to do this when I get the five year award.  >.>  )

Now, a couple of days after writing the first part of this – he has called. And is trying to wiggle his way back in. Asking for another six months to get his shit together.

I need to remember that I have done and tried this countless times. And – that I have been disappointed each time. I simply cannot afford to give anymore to this go nowhere money and emotional pit of a relationship.

And a little more of my hear breaks.

This too shall pass. I know this. It is living through until that happens. That sucks ass. Seriously.

I’m Done

***Warning of incoming wall o’ text that may or may not crit the reader for 56432168411 damage, effectively one shotting them.  >.>  I keep looking at it, trying to figure out how to trim some fat – and am simply not able to.  Maybe like Stephen King, I have diarrhea of the word processor.  Or maybe, I simply have a LOT to say here, and need to get it worked out in words.  <.<

I promise however, that the ending won’t be horrible.  It isn’t roses and unicorn farts, but it is a good one for me, I think.

So.

As has become the norm,  it has been a while since my last post because as usual, life has gotten crazy, Lots of stuff got moved to the back burner. where it turned into a charred mess. Cleaning the pan has taken FOREVER.  (probably not the best analogy ever -but who the hell cares!  Am I right?  Y’all know what I mean to say.)

Still scrubbin’ away at the burns, and finding new places all the time but was reminded by the amazing Kit (again with the loves for Kit.  Amazing, caring, loving woman.)  She told me that she was sad because I had not posted in so long.  I told her that I hadn’t because I couldn’t find the words to describe my life right now – it has been so crazy,  my  heart was broken, and I was tender.  She replied that it sounded like the good starting point.

She had a point, so here I am.

To catch up a bit.  Last time you heard from our intrepid heroine, she was happily ensconced in a lovely apartment, with two (seemingly) incomes, in charge of funds so that things would run well – and while her work hours weren’t ideal, things were pretty damned good.

It wasn’t what everyone probably thinks. My husband has always been rather footloose and fancy free when it came to money and responsibility – and telling the truth. Even small things were lies – like where he got groceries… I don’t know in retrospect if he understood the difference.

He is 50 years old- and has never to my knowledge held a job for more than 2 years. He keeps having visions of being a big time contractor, working for himself, making the bucks, but doesn’t have the self discipline to actually -do- that. He doesn’t seem to get the concept that working for your self doesn’t mean LESS work – it means 70 hour weeks instead of 40 with a steady paycheck. It means saving from the fat weeks to cover the lean times while building the business.

His lies have become just too big – and cost me too much. In October, he went to jail unexpectedly. He had some sort of bounced check in Williamson county, and told me it was taken care of. Not so much, and he was arrested by the sheriff who was serving papers for -another- issue. (That bounced check was the same thing he was arrested for in JANUARY – and swore he had it taken care of) His family wouldn’t even help him out of jail.

I got a call from his sister stating basically that he was 50, and they couldn’t do it anymore. It is sad that both his brother and sister not only said that he needed to find his own way out – but urged me to take care of and look after myself, and offered their ears for any ranting/talking I may need to do.

I had never been more humiliated in my life. He lost his job more than 2 months prior  (near the beginning of July) and didn’t tell me – but DID run my bank account into overdraft.

Yes, I hid my card, he found it anyway. He had to have really been searching. He also stole checks out of my checkbook – two of which were paid by the bank (with heavy overdraft fees) – but one to Lowe’s that did -not- and I was working with them to get a payment plan on that – so I don’t end up with a warrant over MY head for a bad check from MY checking account. (They have since simply dropped it.)

If I have to though, I was willing to file a police report – because while I didn’t want to kick him when he was down so to speak, I refused to go to jail, or take blame for that.

I was in an extended stay motel, as the loss of his job/his not coming clean/his stealing from my checking account, and his lying meant that we had to move out of the lovely apartment  by xx date, or face eviction. Again. (This is the second or third – I am not sure about one that he swears was NOT an eviction – time he has put me in THAT position.) I didn’t have any money to pay for another night – and my paycheck for 2 weeks was less than 100 because of overdraft fees. I am blessed that my friend Sarah stepped in, and offered me and the kitties a room in her home.

I am very lucky to have the friends and dad that I have.

Right away, Sarah told me that I could come stay with them for a few weeks, while I figured out what I was going to do.  My dad sent me a bit of cash to tide me over, and help me get back on my feet. as did my lovely friend John and his beautiful bride.

I found that the storage shed, that had all of our stuff, had **also** not been paid for quite some time.  In fact, it was going to go to auction, just like that crappy reality TV show if it wasn’t paid within 10 days.  Now – I get quite a lot of swag from my job – and it can’t be sold.  That is in the agreement when you hire on.  If it had gone to auction, I was in very real danger of losing my job.  (I did go to HR, but there is still the danger of breaking contract.)  My wonderful friend Brenda (who called me every single week during the 5 years I was in MA to remind me that there were people who loved me) made sure that I got that taken care of, so I wouldn’t lose my job.

The first few days of his incarceration, my husband would call me through bail bondsmen – who would try to convince me to pay the bail.  When I stated flat out that I didn’t have the money – he got angry and told me that if I wanted to – I would find a way.  Ummm.   No.  I was the next thing to broke – even WITH the help from my friends and family.  No way could I or **would** I pay that bond.  He had bailed on the first court date, and ended up with a warrant.

Because I am beyond blessed, I was able to pay insurance on the car (another bill that had been “forgotten” – I wonder now where all the money **I** made went).  Ransom my stuff, and get it moved over to my friends house.

Of course, once I got into the storage, I found it had been pillaged.  A lot of stuff had never made it into the shed – or maybe it had been sold off.  My sewing machine and craft stuff, all of my books (less the ones I had in the extended stay for the year) my bed, my chest freezer… even more heartbreaking to me, the very first Christmas present I got from my place of employment. A lovely professional grade poker set that I had never used.  Along with two other branded poker sets that I had purchased (not the same kind) also in pristine condition.

Since these sets were in the bottom of my swag box – I don’t buy the “someone must have stolen them” line I got from the husband.  How would someone have known that that box was special?  Why the poker sets instead of the other swag that would be worth just as much?  I am guessing that was the one thing that someone felt might fetch some cash.  And it is not replaceable though the company.

While he was in jail, after I made it clear to the bondsmen he was third party calling through that I would **NOT** be paying bail, I wrote a letter.  (He couldn’t call me directly, cell phones don’t take collect calls.)

That letter let him know that I couldn’t go on the way we had been.  I had lost everything three times because of him – and I needed more stability.  I hoped that when he got out of jail, he would buckle down, get a real job and an apartment, pay his bills, and learn to live like a responsible human being.  I wasn’t filing for divorce right off.  If he could do that, and be responsible, and live that way for a year or two – we could see about dating, and see if being together was something we still wanted.

Fast forward to the end of October.  Husband gets out of jail, and shows up at my place of employment while I am out sick.  (Sick is going to become a recurring theme for the next several months.  Stress, plus strange weather and allergies played HELL with my chronic bronchitis.  /sigh)  When I get back to work, the physical safety officer calls me into her office, to make sure I was going to be ok – and to ask if they need to put a notice to other security that he could be a danger.  Not necessary, I tell her.  He isn’t physically violent, and I don’t foresee him doing anything that would put me or others in danger.

He shows up again that day.  Because I still love him even though I have left, I make some concessions.  If he is going to get a job, and start working, he does need transportation.  While I am at work, I have agreed that he could use the car.  I would pick him up, take him to work with me, and he would meet me there when I got off – and I would take him home.  Not ideal – but the best I could do.

Here’s where I started to fuck up.  There were a couple of times he would be 20 short for something – gas, or whatever, and I would “lend” it to him.  He would swear that I would see it back by XX day – and of course XX day came, and there was some excuse, some reason why he didn’t have it to give.  I kept him on my insurance plan, because he swore he would pay me the cost of it every month.  Our phone plan, same.

Then, the car died.  Like completely.  No fixin’ this puppy.  Dead.  So, I head off to rent a car for a few days, because husband swore up down and sideways that the guy he was renting a room from could find another car very easily – he actually has a business buying them at auction and flipping them.

Three weeks later – I am turning back in the rental, my Christmas bonus from work eaten up – and still no car.  No word on a car.  Husband has obtained a truck from somewhere – he says it is borrowed, for an indefinite amount of time.  Again, as before, I am depending on and relying on him to get me on time, to get to work.  And of course, there comes a time when things don’t work so well in that situation.  (Didn’t see that coming, I bet.  **rolls eyes**)

I am desperate.  I need a car, because I need to get to work.  I don’t want to lose my job on top of everything else.   Talking to the sister of my soul Julie about the whole mess.  Considering one of those places like Carmax, that will charge an outrageous amount of interest on a car – but unable to qualify anywhere else.  Again I am rocked by how blessed I am.

Julie, who worked for years to get herself and her finances back to good after going through something very similar, pops up with a figure that is in the range of what I can pull off – and then insists on loaning me the money to get a new car.  She even sends an amortization schedule, and apologizes about the interest – she will have to pay interest on it, or she wouldn’t ask for it.  (To be clear, I wouldn’t have taken it without some interest added in – she deserves something for not having that resource for the years of the payment schedule.)

I get a car – and while I am not going to go into THAT whole sad story – I should have it again soon.  >.>  Suffice to say I should have it back in the next couple of days.

Now however, I am **BACK** to relying on husband, and now – he is homeless.  He is living in the ‘borrowed’ truck – and has no money, no food, nothing.

Again, I give him some food money.  Gas for the truck.  (This helps me too – I have to get to and from work while my car is in the shop.)  I am getting low on funds – I have nothing much to fall back on. Every day, I am putting 20.00 of gas in the truck, and I simply don’t have the income to sustain that.

Husband finds a place to stay – a place where down on their luck musicians can “volunteer” 20 hours a week or so to cleaning up the property in exchange for the use of a camping trailer.  No electricity or running water – but a roof.  There are fire pits to cook over.  He gets a job with a temp company, and says that he has been offered a permanent full time job with the company that he is doing work for.

EXCEPT.  Yeah.  Except – he calls me one night, drunk, and tells me that he likes the ranch – that if it gets its funding, he could have a job there.  He doesn’t want to take that guaranteed job, he would rather do the volunteer stuff on the ranch, and maybe get foodstamps.  When I say that he has to make his own choices for what he wants out of his life – he comes up with “I would be doing it for US!”

Um….   what?  Really?  Yeah.  No.  I don’t think so.

Next day – he tells me that he wasn’t serious the night before, and if he did get the guaranteed job, he would take it.

EXCEPT – one week later – almost two weeks ago – I come out of work at 10.45, and he is not there to pick me up.  I call, and he says he got stuck – but he will be there in half an hour.  An hour goes by – and still no husband.  I try to call – no answer.  I try again at  midnight, and again at 12.15.  No answer.

I was waiting for the last shift to get off at 1.30 – I had been offered a ride home by a couple of people if I was still there when their shift ended.  I was saved however, by my room mate, who realized that I wasn’t home yet- called to make sure I was ok, and then insisted on getting OUT of bed to come get me.  ❤

She and her husband had discussed it – and if she didn’t need his car (he is driving hers while she looks for a job) I could take it to and from work til mine was finished.  When she has needed it – she takes me to work, and I try to find a ride home.

Husband **DID** leave me an email the next day – saying that if I needed a ride to work, let him know.  I didn’t answer it.  Not going to put myself in that position again.

I **DID** call him however, when I found out that our shared phone plan had gone over on data (I don’t use my phone as a computer.  Ever.  The data is all him.)  He didn’t answer, so I left a message telling him that I couldn’t afford the regular bill, much less the overage.  He needed to stop with the data.

I have talked to my phone carrier – and it pisses me off, because though mine is the name on the account – I can’t remove him unless he agrees to take over financial responsibility for his phone.  Like that is going to happen.  >.<  I think I might at least see about dropping the plan to the bare minimum on data – and I have already pin locked the account so it can’t have changes made to it.  I have also requested that we have a hard cap on data – once it is gone – it is gone.

Next, I have talked to my HR rep at work about what would be needed (legal separation vs full on divorce) to remove him from my health insurance.  I could really use that extra 140.00 or so a month.

I have a feeling that the drunk phone call was his real feelings.  He would rather have a life of minimal responsibility – even if it means some discomfort.  Whatever.  That is NOT the life I choose for myself.  I am on the road to fully truly and finally getting rid of the concrete block that I have chained myself to.
I feel like I have just thrown away the last 10 years of my life – and I come out of this infinitely poorer in all respects. I have given up everything twice (or thrice?) for him.  I never ever wanted to become a statistic.  I swore I would never be in one broken marriage, much less two.

I am strong, and I am resilient, and I know I will get through this. It is overwhelming now – and my heart is breaking in the process. As childish, and irresponsible and outright untruthful as he is – I do love my husband. I just can’t do this anymore. When we moved to TX for this job, 5 years ago he promised me that he would get a normal, 40/week job, and with me doing the budgeting, we could have a REAL NORMAL (as normal as one can have) life. That promise hasn’t been kept – and now, I find myself living in a strange house, borrowing money from friends and my dad, and trying to mend my heart.

I hope that at some point, he really stops to THINK about things, and actually come out with a plan to be more responsible as well. I hope he can find enough love for himself that he stops skating through life, and starts living it. I don’t see that happening however. At 50, I don’t see him really making that connection. And that makes me incredibly sad.

At one point, my mindset was this:

“I don’t think he will really change, but if he did – if he actually spent a couple of years learning to and doing the right thing – I might consider it. I do love him. He has to be responsible for himself, or not.”

That has changed.  I don’t know that I would or COULD ever trust that he had changed.  I feel like I have been a resource – not a love. I won’t be the sometime crutch anymore.

I am currently taking Xanax (on a very occasional basis – the first 30 day script lasted me almost 5 months…) because I have been having anxiety/panic attacks again.  I am hoping that that need will ease up soon.  I am considering trying to find a counselor that I can click with if I feel the need to talk/work through things – or I might just subject y’all to more walls o’ text.  >.>

A wonderful meme I found somewhere (or someone else found and I stole – I forget which) said this:

“When someone loves you, they don’t have to say it. You can tell by the way they treat you.”

How very true!  How very real. How very very much I need to see, hear and remember this.

Now – the most important part of my blog.
A LOT of the strength, inspiration and courage to jump, and cut the ties, has been wormed into my brain by an amazing woman.

I can’t even begin to be as elegant and beautiful a writer as she is – not to mention so full of class and just bad ass – but I am doing my best to emulate.

Elisa Romero – published author and wonderful woman, went through her own marriage meltdown fairly recently.  Reading her posts, her words, and seeing her strength and beauty, have been an inspiration.  Y’all should really read her blog!  It is amazing.  ❤

Angels and Forever

She is amazing, and this may have you searching for her on Amazon!

Madison’s Gate  Just one of her many books.  ❤

I love you all so much for sticking through this novel with me.  Remember – as long and rambling as it was – I truncated a LOT.  >.>

Be good, be happy and be real.  That is what I plan to do.  ❤

Little Bits of This and That

Just because.

If I am going to make it a point to get into a schedule, I need to actually do so. Am I right? Of course I am.

I have been a bit heartbroken however. The canvas print I put on this page a couple posts back? The Wicked based painting by James Hance? Yeah. That one. The prints turn out to be much too expensive.  I simply can’t justify the expense. So, no wonderful green Elphie on my walls.

There **is** art on my walls now though – a start at making my restful, lovely hermit cave!

I promised pics waaaaaaaay back in March of the Karazhan posters framed and hung, if I managed to get it done.

Finally, I deliver!

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Husband was skeptical at first. He thought that anything game related was going to go in the office. It is true that the vast majority of my swag, and my game collectable stuff will be in the office. (If it ever comes out of storage. We have been here since the end of MARCH for goodness sake, and Pete is still promising me that each month is the very LAST for carrying over the storage. I **still** don’t have my bed here! Been sleeping in my chair for FOUR MONTHS! RAWR!)

These posters though, are truly something that can be on the living room wall. He should know by now that while I am a geek, I also have impeccable taste in most things, and a fairly decent eye for what looks good. My house will NOT be completely video game oriented. That is mostly for the offce.

That’s the husband critters buzzhead in the pic. Thank goodness he isn’t a comb over type! His hair is… diminishing. Instead of growing it out, he decided to go all super military on it. He has clippers, and buzzes it all off every few weeks. I then get to play clean up on the alfalfa ‘do he leaves behind. He **always** misses that one piece in the middle back – and it sticks up exactly like alfalfa’s did in “The Little Rascals”. (And I hope like hell y’all know what I mean there.)

We do have the table and chairs here as well – and a two canvas painting that the husband critters sister painted.  When Pete went down to see her/help with clear out some stuff she didn’t need, he fell in love with it. Because he liked it so much, she gave it to him. It was the first thing I hung on the wall.

When I put it up, I decided to troll him, and hang it backwards. Because I am not very good at trolling, he missed the point, and LOVES them this way:

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Beyond house settin’ up stuff, I have been gaming a bit. Well, a LOT, actually.

All of the sudden, I have way too many games again, and not near enough time. I’ve been testing the Beta for Final Fantasy XIV A Realm Reborn. (Square Enix agreed with the rest of the world that the first iteration of this game was NOT good, so they completely redid it.) I have been having a blast! I am enjoying this game immensely, and am waiting for phase 4 to start – the open, release candidate beta. Should be happening in a couple of weeks or so, since the launch date has been set firmly for August 27th, with early access for Collector Edition purchasers beginning the week prior, and that for those who stuck with the 1.0 version of the game two weeks before.

Civilization V came out with it’s latest expansion on the 9th of this month. A Brave New World is awesome! It added so much to the game that is already one of the best for turn based strategy (in my own opinion, of course) and made it even better! I have started a game as the Shoshone, and have been having a grand time figuring out the new stuff.
Neverwinter has been fun. Totally free to play – not even a box purchase required. It is of course run on microtransactions, but you don’t have to purchase anything if you really don’t want to. Most of what is sold is quality of life stuff. Unlike some other FTP games out there, it doesn’t hold back aspects of the game. You can play all parts of the game, with all abilities without having to pay a dime. You can purchase extras (like more character slots, bigger/more bags for carrying stuff and bank slots for storing stuff. Faster mounts… that kind of thing.)

Skyrim – still futzing around in that huge and marvelous world – and waiting eagerly for Elder Scrolls Online to come out next year! I signed up for that beta. Don’t know if I will have any chance at it, but one can hope!

Signed up for the beta for a new game coming out as well – Wildstar. This one is Sci Fi – and looks intriguing. We shall see if it lives up to the slowly growing hype it has been getting.

Still playing World of Warcraft of course.  Have my sixth maxed level character now, working on the next to get there.  WoW has been taking a bit of a back seat.  As I said in a post some time ago – it was the -only- game I played for years.  Now, it does get put on hold for a while when I want to try something different. I know it will always be there, well loved and comforting.

I have The Secret World, and can even run it… kinda. It is not what I would call a fun experience however. I need a better graphics card if I am going to enjoy this one – which also just went free to play (though it requires a box purchase) Steam had it for a steal during their summer sale though, so…

 

Besides games, I have been going through a creative phase. I pulled out my colored art stix (kinda like pencils, without the wood – the whole thing is a square colored pencil lead essentially) and my regular pencils/charcoal. Not going to show that though, at least not yet. I am super duper rusty – and want to see if I even have the stuff anymore!

Crochet though… I learned a few new methods, and had a grand time doing so!

First, is Broomstick Lace. This is pretty much what it sounds like. You use a broomstick (or appropriately sized tool – in my case, a piece of PVC pipe, as I could get my husband to give me some left over from redoing some piping on a job) to stretch rows of loops around:

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and then gather the big loops that are made as you crochet the next base row:

 

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Comes out GORGEOUS!

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And the yarn I am using here is amazing. Literally. The brand is not one of the yarn porn brands, but not a bad one – Lion Brand. The line is called “Amazing”, and the colorway for this one is called “Glacier Bay”. I have fallen in LOVE with this yarn. I adore the huge variety of colors it has throughout, and the varying intensities of those colors.

Here, I am using it again in some Granny Squares. These are about 8″ blocks, that I am considering using as base blocks to patchwork with other smaller blocks in solid colors to make a quilt patterned afghan.

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I am absolutely going to have to buy more of this yarn though! It is super soft wool with a bit of acrylic, making it very stable. It holds shape well, and won’t shrink as much as 100% wool would.

I also whomped together a homemade (and very temporary – this thing won’t hold up for any amount of **real** work on it) hairpin lace loom, to see if I would like that technique.  It is an interesting one, and very versatile.  I didn’t however, remember to get any pics. I will be buying a loom soonish though (only about $5, the problem is getting my hands on my car to actually go GET the damned thing.)  When I do, I will show you what this is and does! Super cool.

 

Cooking.

I have been trying some new things, either found on the interwebs, or shared by friends. One of the wins was homemade, baked not fried taquitos.

Assembling:

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And after baking:

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These were rather awesome. I made them the first time with flour torillas because that is what I had a metric ton of. Next time I make them – we will try with corn torillas!

Last, but not least, some cloud porn for your enjoyment! The clouds on this day were very different.  I had never seen them like this before.  The lines you can kinda see in the pics were very clearly delineated, making the entire sky look…  sculptured.

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Husband got totally exasperated with me when I called him out onto the balcony to look at the clouds – until he got there and saw them. Then of course, he was pointing out different places I should point the camera. I think I photographed the whole of the sky (that we can see from the balcony) that day. The strange, almost sculpted look of the clouds didn’t show  well in the pictures – but I picked the best two. These pictures unfortunately don’t do this very strange and beautiful sky the justice it deserves.

As I began.  A little about a lot about pretty much nothing, but it is a post, and I have written!

DAMN!  I’m on a roll!

Where the Wild Bloggers Are!

And that would be right here!

Here, as in HOME.

YES! I have a home now! Have had, for about a month.

I haven’t written in ages. I got tired of whining, and moaning, and complaining. Seemed to be pretty much all that was happening on my blog, and in my life.
I had to live with it, as did the hubs thing. I didn’t however, have to make y’all deal with it, so I kinda… stopped for a bit.

Last we heard of our intrepid blogger heroine, she was still traversing the terrors of the tenth circle of Dante’s hell, (you know – the one even HE found too horrific to write about?) and well, whining. And moping. And bitching. ‘Cause hell, ya know? Hot, and dark, and cramped? Well, the husband creature thing had promised that by my birthday – HOME!

Yeah. That didn’t happen.

Then, he promised ABSOLUTELY before Christmas/New Year! Uh. Huh.

Then before January ended. And February. /sigh.

By this time, I had decided. If I made it to April 30th. (A full mother frickin’ YEAR mind you.) I was gonna celebrate thusly:

Cheap, plastic woven lawn chair from that world class outfitter – Walmart.

Several 40s of PBR (only the best!) from the nearest 7 – 11.

Stained boxers, and a wife beater.

ME – ensconced in the chair, with a cooler holding the extra PBRs, in the wifebeater/boxers, camped out on the chair, in front of the window to the room, on the “verandah.”

At that point, if you can’t beat ’em, might as well join ’em, am I right? I mean, if you are going to do something, you should do it the very BEST you can. Right?

HOWEVER –

I was saved from this horrible fate. I found and brought to Pete’s attention to a NEW and SHINY locator. And?

She worked miracles.

Austin is getting more and more expensive to live in as people flock here for jobs.

The houses that we might possibly be able to afford last year? Twice that now. HOWEVER –

Susan was able to do it! – even with my slowing rising again credit, and Pete’s history.

We got a lovely apartment! Yes, it -is- on the third floor, which means my back is cranky if I have to carry anything up, but it has high, crown molded ceilings! Light, bright, airy – with a tub fit for a queen! ❤

The queen of tubs

THE TUB!!!!!

Great room

The great room – seen from the dining room end.

Bedroom

The corner of the bedroom – because there isn’t much interesting about a bedroom without anything in it, is there?

Kitchen

The kitchen – where my everything lived until my comfy stuff and computer desk made it here! (there is a little “desk” type part of the counter built in at the back there)

Office

The office! My ‘puter is NOT in the living room! It has its OWN room! **squeeeeee**!

We have been here a month now. The comfy chairs/loveseat are here, as is my computer desk. The bed? Not yet. Washer and dryer? LOL. no. In fact, besides the clothes we had in the room, stuff mentioned above, and my kitchen table/chairs – it is ALL still in storage. We have been here for 5 weeks now.

Most recently I scored a couple of movie poster frames at Walmart. Two of the three Karazhan posters now have frames. One more, and I will have the set on my wall! When I do – more pics!

Also, there is a painting that I am waiting with bated breath for the print to be released. An artist named James Vance has a painting based on ‘The Return Of Spring’ by William-Adolphe Bouguereau. “The Adoration of Elphie”. Finished Elphie

This painting for me, speaks so very clearly to the character Elphaba in Wicked. I read this book when it came out – well before the Broadway play was made of it. I adore the book, and this character. When I saw this painting, I knew I had to have it. And barring any kind of catastrophe, I shall! Just as soon as he gets the canvas prints done. >.< Y'all should click the link to Mr. Hances page, and check him out! He is truly fascinating to read on Facebook as well. Watching him start with a red or blue wash, and then having magic emerge from it – an absolute marvel to behold!

I really REALLY don’t want to pay another month on the storage shed – especially since we are already paying extra so that Pete has a garage for storage here. That would be due on Friday though – so no matter how emphatic the husband being is when he insists that it will be here before then, and we won’t have to re up for another month…

Let’s just say I am not going to hold my breath.

Is this the beginning of new life/new regular schedule?

Not gonna promise anything, but I am sure gonna try! (still on the IDP, damnit!)

Change

All right.

I am a creature of habit. I know that this is so. I admit this. I embrace this.

My Myers Briggs personality profile stuff says that not only am I extremely introverted (go figure huh?) I am also one that does very well with a planned out, methodical way of life. I **LIKE** it that way. I like knowing that I get up, and do the same things at the same times every day (depending upon the day, of course). I have my set time for coffee, when I get dressed, when I brush teeth… I have everything that I do in very set times. Makes it easier when I can stick TO those times, and do things as I should.

This week, a LOT of change has come to my life. In some dynamic and not very good ways. When things get thrown out of whack, **I** am thrown out of whack, and not for good things.

Take the last several days for instance. Thursday, up at my normal time, drinking coffee, dressed, teeth brushed (I shower the night before), lunch packed…. and 10 minutes AFTER I am supposed to be on my way to work, husband calls. He is in Kileen – about 70 miles north of Austin. Not to worry though! The kid who lives next door, who has been helping as casual labor on his jobs, is ready to ride to the rescue, and get me to work! EXCEPT – when I go outside, no kid, no kids car. Phone husband.

No problem. He will phone Justin, who has benefited several times from help from us. (anything from 40$ until payday, to a couple of beers on an evening with the husband unit.) UMMMMM Justin is hemming and hawing about what he can and cannot do. Driving out to get me, and take me to work? In the “CAN’T column.

So – I am stuck. Can’t get to work. Can’t call in, because somehow, my available time off (without penalty) is off. My calculations of excused time don’t match up with my bosses. If I can’t get that figured out, then I am taking a hit behavior and attendance wise. (including a written warning – for ME – who has never had any kind of written ANYTHING when it comes to work…) And yet – that is where I ended up. Couldn’t get there in time for it to be even HALF a point – so….

Next – no calls (or at least none husband creature would share) about the last house on the “looked at, may wish to rent” list. This means – we must be out of the house we are in no later than Tuesday, but we have nowhere to go.

Husband unit/creature/thing has that figured out. Extended stay motel place until new place is found. EXCEPT –

One room living on opposite shifts isn’t gonna work to well.

Already – have not slept more than 6 hours or so since I got up on Thursday. Too unstable in the future, and not knowing what will happen causes PANIC (not just anxiety, but full blown “I’M GONNA DIE!!!!!” panic) attacks in me.

Husband thing got most of the stuff that we would use at the motel moved before I woke up – except the cats, my puter, and meds. Just after I woke up, he took the cats, a load of clothes, and other misc stuff over, while I drank my coffee, caught up on Facebook, and then started to dismantle my puter/pack up meds. (stupid PA has me on enough now for 10 people. Am hoping that I can get those pared down a bit when we change docs after we end up…. wherever.)

It’s funny.  Spook is the bruiser of the family – and the total scaredy cat. He was hiding in the bathroom of the VERY “efficient” extended stay room when we got there with my stuff – and only came out to crawl up under the comforter on the bed and hide as a lump there. Callie? Out, about, scouting out the new crooks and crannies, trying to get behind, on top of, or under anything she could find. (She still jumped with sudden movement though – not quite as brave as she tried to act!)

Panic attack commenced to grow stronger however, when upon hooking up my ‘puter, it would not turn on. The tremors (so remembered from my first divorce time, and NOT missed) made a comeback – fuzzy, buzzy head, inability to focus.

It is stupid, I know – but being connected is one of my “security blankets”. Kinda like having at least ½ an unread (this time) book, with the next in queue if I am past ½ way in my bag, even if going to a convenience store.. I have the “smart phone” thing from Christmas, and upgrading during the re up period on my plan, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. >.<

A shot or four later…. taking the cover and side off to see if I could see what was happening with the switch… )When I hit it, the fans would turn on – but not the CPU. )

Wow. There was a LOT of dust in there. Having cats, and a not so airtight house, makes ‘puters suck in ALL THE THINGS! Got the dust blown out, and a damp rag over the NON board parts to clean it up all pretty like.

After clearing about a cat worth of dust and stuff out of the case, husband pushed the button on top (sans the pretty button cover) and the ‘puter finally booted up. Have a feeling that I will just be restarting, and not shutting down for a while.

Next challenge was trying to get online. ALL of my saved tabs reverted to the motel chains login page – because it turns out, they require an extra payment to use their service.

Husband critter/creature/unit/thing got that taken care of as well – and finally – I could connect!

Except.

Indeed. Except.

Latency? Yeah. Horrible. I don’t know if they have satellite, or if someone(s) in the same motel is (are) downloading ALL THE PRONS!!!!!! for their private pleasure, but my latency? Yeah. Not so much.

Going from 400/800 (not too terrible – instant cast stuff taking 1 – 2 seconds) to 15000/20000 or so… Yeah. Instant cast flight form? Took a full 30 seconds. Quest box open? Same.

SO.

Very top of the list is to NOT be in efficient efficiency place. Claustrophobia = ME, and I would probably end up killing husband, cats, or both if I had to co exist for too long in these “cozy” quarters.

To get excused (read FMLA for known issues) time figured out so that I am NOT on a warning the very first time EVER in any working situation. (My time figuring says I have a bit of wiggle room – Managers, didn’t).

Husband critter/creature/unit/thing needs to acknowledge that my getting to work, and on TIME, is of paramount importance, and if he has a contract, or other that takes him far away that happens after noon or so – it HAS to be put off. (And a damned set, 40 hour a week job would be good, as that is what I was PROMISED when we moved down here…)

The ability to log into a game, and NOT have to worry about dying because my latency is causing EVERYTHING to take too long, and me be dead by the time I realize I am being attacked…

Whiny lil brat am I – I don’t ask for much. A real home, where I have all my stuff, room to stretch out a bit, and an internet connection that doesn’t suck, would be a very good start.

EDIT:  Crappy ass connectivity likes to eat things every 1/2 hour to hour or so.  UGH!  Means relogging every hour – though, to reconnect to tabs etc.  NEED a home, DAMNIT!

Panic Attack Incoming…

So.

It is April 2, and I am still in the ghetto.

That’s right. The move? Didn’t happen so much. At least not yet. We haven’t signed a lease, and are paying out the nose to live here this month.

I think that the husband-creature (yup. Stole that Lainey! It was the perfect descriptive, and I have made it mine! I shall hug it, and squeeze, it, and call it “George”.) was procrastinating because he had his heart set on a house in Round Rock that he had heard about from one of the guys he has been doing work for.

More expensive than I would like to pay – and looked kinda dumpy when I saw a pic of the outside, as well as kinda… lacking with the (not so much to scale) floor plan Pete had drawn at my request. The meeting with the owner of this house didn’t happen until last Wednesday however, and by that time, I already knew that we weren’t going to be moving. I mean really. Saturday ended the month. 3 days to pack, haul ass (and everything else) cross town, and then clean? Uh. Huh.

Turns out, Pete has been hitting up each realtor that shows this place, for places to look at/rent. Now, God willin’ and the creek don’t rise, he is **supposed** to be looking at several tomorrow. (Today for those of you that have real schedules, where you go to bed when it is dark, wake up in the morning, and live in the sunshine.)

I went through the list that one realtor had sent – 49 properties, most of them right around the price of the place in Round Rock. Turns out rents are NOT cheap anywhere here, and closer to work, even more so. (savings would come from less gas for the beast that Pete drives, in getting me to and from work – that van can suck it down – and it won’t have anything less than premium gas, or it gags. >.< Have I said I hate that van?!?)

That still might be what we do – however, if he still has the house in Round Rock in mind, then I have put in MY preference. The places are roughly the same difference from my workplace as each other – in different directions.

For the same price as the house in Round Rock, I found one in Leander. Bigger, brighter, airier, with both a fireplace AND a garden tub… (HELLO bubbles and bubbles nights! How I have missed you!)

** Side note – when I was going through the separation and divorce with my first husband, I had what I called “Bubbles and bubbles” Friday. Every Friday, I would fill the tub full of hot water with enough bubbles to walk on, set an ice bucket with ice and a bottle of champagne next to it, sometimes add a small piece of very good dark chocolate, and have…. bubbles! And bubbles! I would spend a couple hours in the tub, reading, nibbling the chocolate (if I had it), and drinking AAAALLLL the champagne. Big toe to turn on the hot water again when it started to cool….. End the night with a fire, and more reading…. very effective way to unwind!

ANYWAY – IF he really does want the house in Round Rock as first choice, I am going to lobby for the one in Leander instead. Same monies, MUCH MUCH (have I said much?) nicer. If I have to pay through the nose, I want it to be worth it, damnit!

So- he is looking tomorrow while I sleep. We shall see what comes out of it, and if I really will have a new place to call “home” for a while within the next couple of weeks!

On another note – work has a blackout for all of May, which means I can’t rock the celebration of Memorial Day! /sad. If I had put in a couple months early and been approved, it would probably have been O.K. Now however? Not so much. During time off black outs, unscheduled absences have to be for extreme reasons – death, dismemberment, coma… SO –

I decided that I would just go ahead and do my rememberin’ a month early! Takin’ off the Friday/Monday that bracket the last weekend of April! Long weekend before crunch time!

Here’s hopin’ that I can spend at least one “night” of that weekend, in a nice tub (one that fits someone larger than a 2 year old, and deep enough that the water at LEAST covers the legs) with a bottle of champagne, and a piece of good, dark chocolate, a fantastic book, followed by a fire! I don’t care if it is 120 degrees outside. I MISS a fireplace. If I have one, at least one fire will be burned – even if I have to turn down the AC to 65 degrees to ensure we don’t suffocate!

My First Love

I love to read. Reading for me, has always been my escape. It has been my magic wardrobe, teleporting me AWAY. Away to worlds of magic, and space. Future and past. High adventure, and deep learning. When the world around seems too much to bear, escaping into a book, and being elsewhere for a bit is one way for me to calm and recenter.  Add a warm cat (or cats) on the lap, a glass of wine, and a nice rainy afternoon, and you have something very close to heaven, in my opinion.

I have been reading a lot this week. The bout of Bronchitis that I had at the first of the month? I thought it was gone, but I was wrong. It came back with a right to the kisser – complete with fevers, aches, coughs, clogged ucky blechy non goodness. I have been out of work all week on doctors orders. God willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I will be back to work on Tuesday. (Monday was already scheduled off. Felt the need to celebrate the birth of some presidents, don’tcha know!) Most of this week has been lived in my chair (laying down was and still is a no go – drown in my own blech). Asleep for a couple hours, awake for an hour. Only in the last day or so, have I been awake more than asleep. Reading has been filling the waking hours, when there was no energy for anything else.

Part of reading for me, is the sheer sensual pleasure of a book. The smell of the paper, the rustle of pages, the feeling of progression (and some little bit of sadness for inevitable endings, with a gripping story) as pages transfer from the right to the left through the reading, The look of a well stocked bookcase, inviting browsing and finding that perfect world to fall into for a while…

I had put off getting an ereader because I wasn’t sure that I would like it. So many of the tactile parts of reading would be missing. At this point, it would be… words on a screen.

When my Dad sent me a Kindle for my birthday, I decided that it was time to try. I am glad that he went with a basic Kindle. These have what is called “e ink”, not backlighting. This means that I need to have ambient light if I want to read, but I don’t have to worry about the lighted screen headaches. I already look at lighted screens a LOT. Reading gets me away from that.

I have been getting good use out of my Kindle. As I stated in a previous blog, my anniversary present this year was The Dresden Files collection, and I got it on the Kindle. I have to say, I had an enormous amount of fun reading these books, and will definitely be reading them again!

I read, and re read, and re re read books. I love to revisit places, and always find some new thing that I hadn’t noticed in previous visits. I don’t have any one particular genre I read. I love anything that is well written. It doesn’t have to be weighty, or full of hidden meaning. Sometimes, a good story can be just a good story and valuable for that alone, regardless of what my lit teachers tried so hard to get me to believe. So there. Pbfthpbfthpbfth. (See how mature I am? RASPBERRIES!)

One of the pluses that I found right of the bat, is how light and portable this thing is.

I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in both of my hands, and holding books, especially large meaty ones, tends to make my hands cramp up, fingers get numb, and things just all round unpleasant. This is alleviated somewhat by using a book holder from Bookmatesplus.

I found these marvelous book covers when I still lived in Denver. They have thin but flexible strips of metal in them, that allows a book to be closed, and yet will hold rigid when open. Add a see through, snap on plastic strap, and the book is held open, so that if one has a place to prop it, no hands at all are needed. If no place is available, it is still easier on the hands to hold the book like a platter – resting on the palm of the hand rather than cupped between fingers and thumb.

I still have a couple of these lying around, and of course Bookmatesplus isn’t going to lose my business any time soon. I go through these things. When I say I read a lot, I mean a LOT. This does cause some wear and tear, and eventually, I wear and tear them to pieces. And while I do see myself buying books for the Kindle more often, I still love used bookstores, and still have a large collection of books that I am not going to duplicate on the Kindle. I just can’t see paying a new book price for a book I already have, or can easily get from a half priced bookstore due to popularity/age. (especially since publishers still have these electronic books priced at regular, printed book prices.)

I can see how handy it could be for traveling too. When I go anywhere, I take a mini library with me. I am terrified of running out of stuff to read. Even here in town, if I am half way through a book, I will have the next one in my bag as well – even if I am just going to work, and may only get a few pages read in the time I am gone. It is kind of a security blanket for me. Going somewhere for a week? I will usually have at least 10 books in my bags. My husband laughs at me, but hey! I am prepared!

Now, once my collection has grown a bit, it could very well be that all of my reading material for a trip will be easily stored in one small thin, light little doo hickey! It is going to be a while however, before that happens.

I am kind of anal about reading. I like to read things in order – from first to last. I will often hold off reading a series until they are all out. If the series is protracted, I have been known to read each book as it comes out, after having read all the predecessors immediately prior. (Yes. This does mean that when I read the Harry Potter books, The Sorcer’s Stone was read at least 7 times before I read The Deathly Hollows.) Laugh if y’all want to, my husband does. It amuses some of my friends as well. What can I say? I yam what I yam.

This does pose a problem for some of the longer lived series I have. Take for instance, Jean Auel’s Earth Children series.

I started reading these books back in 1980, when she wrote Clan of the Cave Bear. It has taken her 30 years, but she finally published the last book last year. I hadn’t been able to get it, but it was on my list of things to do. I finally broke down, and bought it, for the Kindle. Now of course, I have to reread the first 5 before I can read the 6th on the kindle. (I do cheat a bit. She repeats herself sometimes, and I kinda glaze over that stuff. Still, the meat of the story gets re read.) If I were going on a trip, I would still be lugging the first 5 (or however many of them I had left to read) and the 6th on the Kindle. Still, one less multi inch thick book is that much less weight. Am I right?

Eventually of course, I will have more series, like The Dresden Files, that are completely on the reader. However, I won’t be choosing books to read based on portability. As always, I will make the choice based on what world, or kind of world, I want to visit this time! If that means 10 or more regular old books, and the trusty old cover, so be it!

For now, I am roaming the Continental steppes of the last Ice Age, with Ayla and Jondalar. I am spending the winter with the Mamutoi, in agonies about who will win the girls heart? The tall blue eyed Jondalar? Or the flashing eyed, dark skinned Ranec? Of course I know. Still. I can be excited, and breathless and find myself eager to read what comes next. I can muse, in the very depths of my secret child heart that some book fairy maybe waved a wand and changed it… Even if that didn’t happen, I KNOW that I will find some little nugget, some treasure, that has been passed over, or not seen in the previous readings of the book. Old beloved friends, who even after a lifetime of knowing, can astonish and delight.

How much better than that can it get?

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