I’m Still Standin’

After all this time

Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.

Not really. I am obsessing about the last 10 years, and how I have been a dumb ass when it comes to love.

Ten years. Ten years of burying my head in the sand – of convincing myself that the little things mattered, and that they were proof that I was loved by this man.

How he would clean the catboxes after arthritis/bad back started complaining that they were NOT going to cooperate with this sort of activity.

How he would get up – even after an hours sleep to brew the first pot of coffee, and then bring me my first cup. Because he knew my hands would rebel at picking up and holding the pot – I was so afraid of breaking the carafe.

How he would load/unload the dishwasher (or do the dishes, when we didn’t have one) because he knew I hated it.

Same with going to the laundry mat when we didn’t have washer/dryer in whatever unit….

Yes. All of these were thoughtful, and all of these were wonderful. However.

However – when he skipped out on a days work while we were in MA and had the home renovation business , leaving me to field the calls and even knocks on the door asking where he was – because the entire side of the house was gone and only covered in plastic –

when he would disappear for a day or two or three – once while I was sick with what turned out to be pneumonia and had asked for cough syrup to be picked up (only one car in this household.)

When my facebook would fill with ads for single women in the Austin area – and I would know that he had been perusing… thinking… hell. maybe even doing.

STILL. Me – the fool. I know that there is a good person deep under somewhere. THAT is the person I fell in love with – the one I stuck to for so many years. Almost 11 to be exact.

I should have known right away, when after just 5 months of him living with me, getting a call from a “friend” letting me know that I was going to be evicted the very next day, if I didn’t do something.

When I got back to my apartment (after leaving work early) – he immediately headed to the bedroom to pack. I asked what the hell he was doing. His reply? “You are going to tell me to leave, so I thought I would start…” My answer was “ Do you love me? REALLY love me?”

He said that he did, so I asked “What are we going to do now? How are we going to fix this?”

That was when he suggested we move to MA. We may be able to get people to help with loans to get us into another place in CO – but that wasn’t guaranteed, and time was short. In MA, we could stay with his parents for a few months, build up a bit of a cushion, and then start fresh!

I was scared, but I have to admit that there was some excitement too. New area of the country – one that I was promised was lower cost of living (NOT SO MUCH GUYS – just sharing that.) with opportunity – and a bail out. All it really required, was losing everything I had with the exception of a single box of books, and my clothes. (I drove a 1998 Metro at the time – and there wasn’t a lot of room for ANYthing).

So.

I am STILL standing. After all this time. I am picking up the pieces of my life though my husband is very prominently on my mind. I am heartbroken that he doesn’t love himself enough – or ME enough to work to make a life that works for us together. This too, shall pass. For now however, I shall have to drink a glass or three of wine, and remember that I – and my thoughts and actions DO matter. For me more than anyone else.

I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah. I am. Barely.

I let myself, and my life be dragged out of shape by a man that (retrospectively) didn’t LOVE me – but loved what I represented. Stability. Security. Money set aside for larger bills…

EXCEPT.

Yeah. Except, the money set aside was spent The security was not there. The stability was not there. BECAUSE – the money was spent when it WAS NOT THERE.

Trufax people. I would have liked to celebrate my FIVE YEARS with my company – but couldn’t -because I can’t afford it, and didn’t have a way home. >.< I would STILL like to celebrate this achievement, but again, no money, no ride. (This too will change – and I may try to do this when I get the five year award.  >.>  )

Now, a couple of days after writing the first part of this – he has called. And is trying to wiggle his way back in. Asking for another six months to get his shit together.

I need to remember that I have done and tried this countless times. And – that I have been disappointed each time. I simply cannot afford to give anymore to this go nowhere money and emotional pit of a relationship.

And a little more of my hear breaks.

This too shall pass. I know this. It is living through until that happens. That sucks ass. Seriously.