Dee

So I have been quite the chicken. I have been procrastinating like crazy on writing this post. I think in part, it is that I am afraid that I won’t do it justice. And this one, over all, deserves to be the best.

I don’t know that I will achieve that – but please know that everything that follows is genuine, and honest, and from the heart.

See, in January, on Sunday the 25th, my dear friend Jenn and I were in our game, giggling madly while she tanked elite wolves on her shadow priest, and I did half assed dps and heals to help bring them down for trapping. We were having a great time – we hadn’t really played together one on one much in a LONG time. Her phone rang – it was her husband. She had to go away to take that call.

She came back, and typed “get to a safe place, and check your facebook. NOW.”. I was so scared, I had no idea what may be going on. So, I did what she said. Made sure my girl was in a safe place, and alt-tabbed out to facebook.

Scrolling through my feed, I get to a post from Steve, who has been thin on the site for a while. He is what Dee called her “radioactive sea monkey” – better known as a nuclear sub tech – and he had been deployed for some time. It took me a few read throughs to register what he was saying.

Our Dee – our dear and lovely Dee – had died on Friday – the day before her 37th birthday. I wanted it to be a horrible joke – I wanted it to be that someone with a nasty sense of humor had hacked the page, and had posted this for some sick and twisted reason. The post itself however, was so intrinsically STEVE – that I knew it was real.

I am pretty sure I screamed. I am also pretty sure I spent some time just saying NONONONONONONO. I don’t remember much – other than the agony that was my very being. I think what bothered me the most, was knowing that with Steve out to sea, Dee was there with her kids. It had to be one (or more ) of her kids who found her that morning, and that thought broke my heart.  We found out so late – because it does take time to surface a sub – and then get Steve back home.

I met Dee on the forums for the game I play most. (the one I work for!) I had started haunting the forum – and answering a question here or there. There was an “off topic” thread in that forum – for things not really related to the other threads. Kind of a coffee klatch/gathering place for the “regulars” and anyone else that wanted to join.

Y’all know me – and you know how I feel about groups of people I don’t know. That extends to online as well. Still – I screwed up my courage, and posted in that off topic thread. And Dee – gracious, kind Dee, was the one who first replied, and made me feel warm and welcome. I will always be grateful to her for that. She gave me – with that one kind post -a doorway that led to some of the people I love most in my life.

Dee was the best of us. As my friend Vicky said on my wall, she was what most of us wanted to be. She was just simply GOOD.

Now, that doesn’t mean she was stuffy, or boring, or anything like that. She could whip up a good solid dose of snark – and she relished doing so from time to time. She could be a bit raunchy, and had a wicked sense of humor. When teased, she would always come back with /halo!

BUT – Dee walked her walk. She lived her beliefs, but didn’t try to hold others to her views of how things were/should be. She loved everyone – and was kind to everyone even when they had gotten on her last nerve. (we saw this more than once on the game forums – she would try to help and the person would be totally resistant. She would finally just say something like “Ok then. I hope YOU have a nice day. /smiles sweetly.”) Then, she would come to our super secret out of forum group – and let the snark fly! ❤

She had total faith in her God – belief in her religion, and lived by those tenets as well. She wasn’t sanctimonious, or overbearing, or judgmental – she lived her life, and her beliefs, and was secure enough in them that she didn’t feel the need to try to sway or convince anyone of the “truth”. She trusted us to be good people, and to know our own minds in regard to faith – and loved us unconditionally, even when some of us held very different beliefs.

Dee’s other devotion was to her family. She loved them with all of her heart –  they came first. Hands down. And one can see that when they see pictures of the family. You can see how close they all are – you can see how much she loves her kids, and they love her. She had seven children – and from the earliest days, they were dubbed the “moonkinlings” for the spec of druid she played in our game..  And oh my heavens – the pictures of Dee and Steve could outright burn you with the radiance of the love shining in both of their faces.

I am so very glad that Steve has elected to keep all of us not only in his life (he has always been part of our group – but with being at sea for long periods of time, we of course had more time with Dee). – but in the childrens as well. He made a facebook page for them, so that we could interact with them without having him as the middle man. I now have to remember to try to edit myself on my page though – or change settings when I let loose with one of my more profane memes or rants. I haven’t always been immediately successful with that – but when I see it – I have always gone back and changed the settings for those posts – with an apology to Steve. And I have been working on being more aware.

My heart still hurts, and I do believe it always will. When we lost Dee, the world became a little darker, a little smaller, and a little colder. This earth lost a shining light. My life has been infinitely blessed by having had her in it, and I know I will cherish my memories of her always.  But- my days going forward have had a little less sparkle.

I love and miss my friend so much.  Even now, months after the fact, it hits me, and fills me with such an ache  – I am unable to breathe with the pain.  I want to rage and cry – and sometimes, I still do.  And once the pressure starts to subside, I know that she is up there, doing what she loved best – dancing.   Through and around and with the stars.