I’m Still Standin’

After all this time

Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.

Not really. I am obsessing about the last 10 years, and how I have been a dumb ass when it comes to love.

Ten years. Ten years of burying my head in the sand – of convincing myself that the little things mattered, and that they were proof that I was loved by this man.

How he would clean the catboxes after arthritis/bad back started complaining that they were NOT going to cooperate with this sort of activity.

How he would get up – even after an hours sleep to brew the first pot of coffee, and then bring me my first cup. Because he knew my hands would rebel at picking up and holding the pot – I was so afraid of breaking the carafe.

How he would load/unload the dishwasher (or do the dishes, when we didn’t have one) because he knew I hated it.

Same with going to the laundry mat when we didn’t have washer/dryer in whatever unit….

Yes. All of these were thoughtful, and all of these were wonderful. However.

However – when he skipped out on a days work while we were in MA and had the home renovation business , leaving me to field the calls and even knocks on the door asking where he was – because the entire side of the house was gone and only covered in plastic –

when he would disappear for a day or two or three – once while I was sick with what turned out to be pneumonia and had asked for cough syrup to be picked up (only one car in this household.)

When my facebook would fill with ads for single women in the Austin area – and I would know that he had been perusing… thinking… hell. maybe even doing.

STILL. Me – the fool. I know that there is a good person deep under somewhere. THAT is the person I fell in love with – the one I stuck to for so many years. Almost 11 to be exact.

I should have known right away, when after just 5 months of him living with me, getting a call from a “friend” letting me know that I was going to be evicted the very next day, if I didn’t do something.

When I got back to my apartment (after leaving work early) – he immediately headed to the bedroom to pack. I asked what the hell he was doing. His reply? “You are going to tell me to leave, so I thought I would start…” My answer was “ Do you love me? REALLY love me?”

He said that he did, so I asked “What are we going to do now? How are we going to fix this?”

That was when he suggested we move to MA. We may be able to get people to help with loans to get us into another place in CO – but that wasn’t guaranteed, and time was short. In MA, we could stay with his parents for a few months, build up a bit of a cushion, and then start fresh!

I was scared, but I have to admit that there was some excitement too. New area of the country – one that I was promised was lower cost of living (NOT SO MUCH GUYS – just sharing that.) with opportunity – and a bail out. All it really required, was losing everything I had with the exception of a single box of books, and my clothes. (I drove a 1998 Metro at the time – and there wasn’t a lot of room for ANYthing).

So.

I am STILL standing. After all this time. I am picking up the pieces of my life though my husband is very prominently on my mind. I am heartbroken that he doesn’t love himself enough – or ME enough to work to make a life that works for us together. This too, shall pass. For now however, I shall have to drink a glass or three of wine, and remember that I – and my thoughts and actions DO matter. For me more than anyone else.

I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah. I am. Barely.

I let myself, and my life be dragged out of shape by a man that (retrospectively) didn’t LOVE me – but loved what I represented. Stability. Security. Money set aside for larger bills…

EXCEPT.

Yeah. Except, the money set aside was spent The security was not there. The stability was not there. BECAUSE – the money was spent when it WAS NOT THERE.

Trufax people. I would have liked to celebrate my FIVE YEARS with my company – but couldn’t -because I can’t afford it, and didn’t have a way home. >.< I would STILL like to celebrate this achievement, but again, no money, no ride. (This too will change – and I may try to do this when I get the five year award.  >.>  )

Now, a couple of days after writing the first part of this – he has called. And is trying to wiggle his way back in. Asking for another six months to get his shit together.

I need to remember that I have done and tried this countless times. And – that I have been disappointed each time. I simply cannot afford to give anymore to this go nowhere money and emotional pit of a relationship.

And a little more of my hear breaks.

This too shall pass. I know this. It is living through until that happens. That sucks ass. Seriously.

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Lost Weekend

Cid Meyer’s Civilizations games.

How I love them – and hate them!

These games are awesome fun. You choose a “ruler” to play as, and you build a civilization from 4000 BCE to…. whenever the game is won, or lost. The game itself is highly replayable, as the maps are random each time, and you can customize how many AI opponents you wish to have (must have at least 1) and how you wish the world to be set up.

I don’t tend to play a war game – I go for cultural victories. I love building huge empires, with lots of cities, and workers, monuments and wonders. I overwhelm the AI opponents with my culture. (I love “golden ages” and “We love the king!” days too!) I make enough military units to protect my people, and to explore. Exploration is the other other great love I have in these games. I always make a HUGE world, so that I can an explore more!

The problem with this is, you can sit down for a couple of hours, and notice 13 hours later that it is…. well… 13 hours later. /sigh  Add some wine, or a few beers, and…

Last time I went on a Civilization jag, we were living in Massachusetts, and I was doing accounts payable for Peter Pan Bus Lines. (not a glamorous job, but hey! I got to spend literally MILLIONS of dollars a year. No matter that it was for things like fuel and bus wraps .) I had to put a limit on it of just weekends after one too many sessions that ended with me showering, and heading to work after NO sleep.

This happened to me this weekend. I started playing a new game in Civilization V, and kinda lost track of all time. Missed our cross realm fun run raids on World of Warcraft. Barely stopped for supper. Just… exploring, building, creating, and living in my own little world. Literally.

Now, it is 3am Monday morning. I have to begin my workweek tonight, and I got absolutely NOTHING done this weekend. At all. My laundry is mostly clean (one more load to pull out of washer and put in dryer), but it needs folding. My desk looks like a bomb hit it. The floor seems to be growing another cat with all the stray hairballs that are floating around (I don’t know HOW they shed as much as they do, not to mention me…) and the dust is thick enough on my swag shelf to write in. Instead of taking care of that though, I was playing at being Consul Bismarck of the German Empire. (He gets a wicked bonus in Civ V – has a 50% chance of gaining a military unit upon defeating a barbarian camp. Means I don’t have to waste much time building military units!)

Add the lack of cleaning to the fact that we need to move by April 1st (or our rent for the ghetto duplex goes up $125, which is not acceptable), so cleaning, and some preliminary packing would be a good idea, and you see that I really did NOT manage my time well this weekend.

Needless to say, Civ V is not going to be played during the workweek for me. I have way too much that needs to be done, and April 1 is going to be here before we know it.  Couple that with sleeping issues, and there is the potential for some real problems to arise if I do let my self play.  Workdays will be for reading, and whatever I can do in the early morning hours that WON’T wake the hubby, or the neighbors.

For the weekends, I need to figure out how to force myself to do this with reward system housekeeping (alarms, or XX turns – sweep floor, XX turns, pack box) – and have the best of both worlds!

Heaven help me if I get on a Skyrim jag as well…